KEYNOTES: OVERCOMING CHALLENGES, "THE SAGES AND THEIR STORIES ABOUT MONEY"
HOW TO MANAGE MONEY AND RELATIONSHIPS
THE MONETARY CONTROL ISSUE DURING DIVORCE
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"True compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change, even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems."
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
The
Monetary Issue in Relationships
Sometimes
we bring to new relationships attitudes about money that we forged long
ago.
This workshop will help you cut through the baggage and understand the real monetary issues in a relationship. We'll teach you how to identify problems and deal with them in a productive way.
You will learn:
- To listen to your partner
- To express your feelings
- To communicate
- To create a common goal and affirmation
Sometimes we bring our attitude toward money into our relationship from our relationship from our past.
We
have to let go of what we did with our money in the past.
We
have to work on the present situation of money and the future.
We often carry a problem from the past that dictates our behavior in the present. For example, if we caused a loss of money by breaking expensive things, or losing some money our childhood, we might be afraid to deal with money now because we are afraid that we will lose the money that we are dealing with now.
Not dealing with the problem of our attitude towards money or lack of it is dealing with it in a bad way. It is very important to be able to differentiate and see if your attitude toward money or profit is based on facts or based on some feelings that you carry from the past.
Most of the time our reaction toward disagreement on how to spend money or the way we deal with not having enough money is not because of this particular situation, but is based on some baggage that we carry from the past that manifests at that particular moment.
We use the monetary problems as an excuse for the reason that our relationships do not work. We have to decide what is more important for us: the baggage that we carry (our excuses that we hold onto), or our relationship.
We want to be in control of how much we get, and for sure how much we pay others, or how much we are suppose to spend. Remember that control is also the fear of being controlled by somebody else.
A
lot of time you might complain about a problem so much that you start identifying
with the problem and you become the problem itself.
It
is important to develop a positive attitude toward money because the negative
attitude just keeps us stuck in one place. We have to develop a positive
attitude with integrity towards money.
Sometimes the negative attitude comes from one of the partners who is critical and very judgmental of the other partner. Sometimes a negative attitude comes with a lot of aggression, or sometimes passive-aggression. Active aggression is expressed by constantly criticizing the partner and showing one’s own negativity.
Sometimes we have a partner in a relationship who constantly behaves as a victim and tries to present as a very positive personality. Being positive and judging the other partner negatively is mirroring one’s own negativity with a lot of sugar coating.
A positive attitude toward money can be negative if it comes with judgment, or not accepting any other way.
We learn to accept nature the way it is when there is a forest fire. We accept it because we know that there is a reason for it. Maybe the vegetation is too thick, or maybe there is a need for fertilization, so we let the fire be. On the other hand, when one partner asks for a certain amount of money or wants to treat money in a certain way, we do not accept it and we want to change their attitude. We have to control the use of money. Try to go with the flow. Accepting is not just not blaming your partner for everything that is wrong; however, going the other way and blaming yourself can cause the victim mentality that will create passive-aggressive behavior.
It
is true that some times we are convinced that we are 100 % right
in
the way we want to deal with the money or with certain decisions involving
money; however, we have to ask ourselves what will we get out of our
insisting on being right. Let us always ask ourselves: We are right and
what did we get out of it? Ask yourself, do you want to be right,
or do you want to be loved?
Maybe there is a payoff when we feel bad.
So
let us choose what we have.
In
other words, if you have a problem with money or with the way our spouse
treats us with respect to money, and you know that there is a solution
for the situation, there is no reason to worry about it. If you have a
problem with money and you know that there is no solution, why worry about
it. It won’t get you anywhere.
Voltaire said that 90% of his life he spent worrying about problems and disasters that never materialized.
You
are not going to change your partner. A partner who is a spender
will continue to be spender, so you need to make a plan how to work it
together.
For more information, please request information online or contact the Monetary Stress Institute
The Monetary Stress Institute
Dr. Robby Gordon
34 Redwood Tree Lane
Irvine, California 92612-2226
Tel: 949-733-0607 Fax: 949-733-1238
1-800-303-ROBBY
1-800-303-7622
Email: drgordon@monetarystress.com
This
document © 1997, 1998 The
Monetary Stress Institute.
All
Rights Reserved.
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