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drrobbygordon@gmail.com
323-848-4699

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Turning Conflict Into Agreement 
The goal of this program is to resolve conflicts in any situation, thereby creating a safe environment in which everyone will succeed. This is an interactive program which provides transformational tools to resolve existing or potential conflicts.

Objectives for You:
- Achieve satisfactory solutions to your conflicts. 
- Create a win-win situation and solve old problems. 
- Learn and utilize new tools during negotiation. 
- Learn the art of listening without judgment. 
  Value for You:
- Higher production levels. 
- Increased profitability. 
- Reduced employee turnover. 

How to Resolve Conflict: 

1. The problem is stated only with facts. Interpretation and criticism are
eliminated and participants receive coaching to choose non-judgmental words. 

2. Feelings are expressed safely without suppression. As they are
acknowledged, a basis is created for understanding wants and requests. 

3. These feelings are described, showing an understanding of what is felt by the other side. 

4. The conflict is described from a detached point of view. 

5. Requests are stated. This step of the process can be expressed only after
wants have been clearly stated. 

6. An acceptance of the requests is achieved by completing the guided process, producing agreement.
 

Dr. Gordon reminds us: 
   "Employees come to work with the intention of doing a good job, enjoying whatever they do or produce. Unfortunately conflicts amongst themselves, problems with the management or supervisors, create vicious cycles of negativity and reduced production. By creating a new venue for conflict resolution we solve these problems. A positive attitude is brought back into the workplace. Every person reaches his or her highest potential. 
   The goal of this workshop is to resolve conflicts in the workplace between partners and employees, or between management and employees. This is an interactive workshop which will leave you with transformational tools to resolve existing or potential conflicts." 

  • Achieve mutual and satisfactory solutions to your conflicts
  • Resolve ongoing conflicts using mutual consideration
  • Solve old problems in order to reach agreements
  • Learn and utilize new tools during negotiation
  • Learn the art of listening without judgment 

Dear Robby, 
On behalf of the entire UCOC Congregation I would like to say thank you for the program you gave us on conflict resolution. I think everyone in our Congregation needs the useful tools that you taught us to use. The work you are doing is very important and you are a very engaging speaker. I hope you will come to our Congregation again to teach us more about conflict resolution. 

Randi Dunvan 
UCOC Program Chair 

These may apply to your Corporation or Organization

Do you observe conflict in your corporation? 

Do you agree that employees who are in conflict are less happy and less
satisfied at the workplace? 

Do you agree that employees who are happier will be more productive? 

Do you agree that during negotiation, a lot of times the sales team are
confronting conflicts? 

     If they say yes, say I will create a workshop that will create a better working environment.  No conflict and as a result no stress.

     Dr. Gordon, the founder of The Conflict Resolution Institute has designed a system and technique that teaches how to turn conflict into agreement. He also teaches how to create a venue in which employees can solve their existing conflicts, and teaches how to prevent conflicts.

     The participants learn that they are not the conflict; the conflict happened to them or they are legally involved in with it. They have to detach themselves from the conflict.  Just because they are having a conflict doesn't mean that they are the conflict. It shouldn't consume them. 

     Participants who fear that they won't be able to create a resolution will create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and they will not create a resolution.  In Chinese the symbol for crisis and opportunity is the same.  More people put more energy into worrying about the conflict that they cannot solve than putting the energy into solving the problem.

     In this workshop the participants learn not to exert any negative energy and will free their energy to try to build something even better.

     Once they understand this concept and their partner in the conflict, they will give empathy to their partner. This process creates healing and conflict resolution. Conflict resolution should create a win-win situation.  The participants do not always have to feel that they are actually winning. Letting the other party win will create in the long run a win-win situation for both of them.

     When you give in on a point in the conflict or you let go of certain requests that you had, do not do it with the expectation that the other party will do the same. If you do it with that expectation, the other party might feel that you are putting pressure on him or her. You have to let go without any expectation. 

     Letting go and expecting the other party to do the same is like giving a compliment and expecting the other party to do likewise. When I give a compliment and immediately get one in return I feel that the other compliment might have come out of obligation and it is not a sincere one. I also feel that it invalidated my compliment. This is not always true, but a lot of times it is true. 

     This does mean that you have to compromise your integrity.  If you feel that by letting the other party receive what they want, then you will feel completely wiped out. Then and only then do not give in because in such a situation you need too much energy to live with yourself. However, this situation is usually rare, and a compromise will help you and will create a real win-win situation for both of you.  Richard Carlson in his book said ďdo not sweat the small stuff.Ē Later on he continues and says actually ďeverything is small stuff.Ē When you let the other party have the feeling that they are winning, they will be ready to go more than half way towards you because they will want to keep their position of winning.

Guidelines to participants in the "Conflict Resolution" process:.

A) Understanding, having empathy, is a very important step.
When we talk about understanding, first we have to understand ourselves why are we feeling in a certain way towards the situation. Once we understand ourselves we can get to the next step of understanding our partner. It is important to know that understanding does not always mean agreeing; it means having empathy. We can acknowledge the feeling of our partner and completely disagree.
Once we understand our partner there is no should or could. We cannot have a conflict resolution during which you blame your partner for the conflict for things that they could or should have done, because it will always put our partner on the defensive.

B) Each participant should read aloud to his partner in the conflict (I want to start with calling the other person the partner) what he wrote one answer at a time and I want the partner to repeat the words that he or she heard.
1. It is very important to repeat the words; it was scientifically proved that when one person repeats the words, the possibility of his or her remembering the other sideís point of view is four times greater. Research shows that partners to conflict who repeated their partnerís words came to a resolution twice as fast as partners who did not repeat the words.
2. When you know that you have to repeat, you concentrate on what your partner said and listen instead of thinking of what you are going to say.
3. By repeating, you start showing your understanding to the other side, diminish their anger, and you release their tension. 

C) In this process of conflict resolution I stress that you will work out of your want. If for one minute you think that it is different, I want you to look at the bigger picture. You have a choice not to go through this process at all. It is true that there will be consequences to your choice--you might have to go to court and incur more expenses, or to suffer more from being in the conflict; however it will be your choice. Now that you know that it is your choice, I want you to empower yourself to bring the best out of you to make this process work. 

D) If anyone starts to feel angry or upset by what his partner said, you have to remember that it is not what your partner said that made you upset.  It is your own reaction to what they said that made you feel a specific way. You are the only one responsible for your feelings.

Sample exercise given during the "Conflict Resolution" process:
  

BREAKTHROUGH IN CONFLICT

1.  What will it take for your partner in the conflict to do so you can solve the conflict?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

2. What is the maximum concession that you are ready to make in order to solve the conflict?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

Guideline for communication under duress in the heights of the conflict:

Communication should be done only in writing fax is preferable email is secondary. (Avoid sending Email because it may be deleted or manipulated by the other party.)

 

1) Write down everything you want to say; do not fax it; wait a day.   You might want to change it the next day or during the 24 hours.  If you made any changes, wait a day from the last change.

Please write it down.

2) Any communication should be based on using only the "I" or first person singular; I feel I think, etc. wait for a time that both parties are not vulnerable to use "you" and "we". You can describe your feeling like I feel sad. I understand you.

Please describe the I statements

 

3) Take out all the adjective from 1 and rewrite your wishes negative adjectives bring more negativity and positive might be construed as manipulation.

SAMPLE WORKSHEET 

LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth--Use Them Proportionately

  • Listen without interpretation.

  • Listen without judgment.

  • Listen without expectations.

  • Listen without being upset.

  • Listen without knowing the answer.

1.Listen to your partner and describe the conflict from his or her point of
view. (Read aloud your partnerís point of view.) 
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

2.Ask your partner to acknowledge if you understood his or her point of
view, and if not, ask your partner to tell you again the important points and
write them down. ___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

3.Repeat this process until your partner feels that you understand his or her
point of view. 
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

Divorce Without Financial Destruction

Divorce and Post-Divorce Planning Without Financial Stress

Dr. Robby Gordon, a financial planner, combines his in-depth knowledge of money issues with proven stress management techniques which teach how to deal with financial anxieties during divorce.  Merging modern psychology from the East and West, Dr. Gordon uses his analytical and psychological skills to help divorcing couples:

  • Create a workable division of property during divorce.
  • Deal with monetary stress issues during divorce.
  • Acquire practical techniques to deal with monetary stress.
  • Create a future with a new attitude toward money and profits.
  • Overcome challenges created by lack of money or assets.
  • Learn how to break self-defeating barriers using specific creative tools to deal with financial stress. 

Dr. Gordon assists his clients in taking control of their present and future finances emphasizing education and planning during the process.  He helps create a fair division of property considering the consequences of capital gains, cost of sale of houses and businesses, penalties of early withdrawal of pensions, as well as division of pensions. 

Creating a win-win situation involves several steps, including accepting the situation and detachment from the situation.  Even if the result of acceptance does not match your ideal circumstances, acceptance and detachment will prevent you from fighting and exerting negative energy, and will free you to try to build a more peaceful dissolution. 

Dr. Gordon teaches practical techniques for dealing with stress pre-, during, and post-divorce.  He helps his clients to put money in the right perspective, not to use it as a control issue.

It takes much more  energy to get divorced than to  work on relationship; however, sometimes we know that there is no choice. At that point we need to try to put our energy  into a productive way of resolving the situation and not to try to work out of fear creating a lot of negative energy using our money as a control issue.

Dr.Gordon works on visualization and gives specific creative tools to learn how to deal with financial stress.  He works on the attitude toward money and helps create in your mind complete freedom from the stress associated with lack of money

Dr.Gordon teaches the tools to reduce stress, and how to achieve financial goals with breakthrough in mind.  He teaches creative thinking that will get the individuals where they want to go.

He will introduce a new language that will help the two parties to distinguish between reality and their thoughts, which will help them to create what they want.

Once the parties learn how not to be stressed about their monetary situation, they can be open to create something completely new--a new attitude that will bring inner peace. 
 

The parties feel empowered and focused, which brings the best out in each person. It helps them to focus and have clarity about goals and missions.
  

The Monetary Control Issue During Divorce
This workshop is designed for psychologists, divorce lawyers, financial planners, clergy, or anyone who deals with divorce issues. It's harder to get divorced than it is to work on a relationship. But sometimes there's no choice. At that point we need to try to put our energy into productive channels to resolve the situation. 

The opposite of love is fear, and that's what shows up first in a divorce. 

The goal of this workshop is to create a fair and creative division of property in order to crate two independent households. Attendees will learn about capital gain consequences, the cost of sale of a house or business, and the penalties for early withdraw from a pension plan. Clients will learn to take control of their present and future financial planning during a period of emotional stress. 

Create a Win-Win Situation

Creating a win-win situation involves several steps, including accepting the situation and detachment from the situation.  Even if the result of acceptance does not match your ideal circumstances, acceptance and detachment will prevent you from fighting and exerting negative energy, and will free you to try to build a more peaceful solution.

By having a certain expectation of how a partner is, or will be, you get into a self-fulfilling prophecy not allowing your partner to manifest in any other way.  Taking into consideration the expectation that you have of the person you are in conflict with, together with judgments that you have, you create only one way for the other person to act.  It doesnít matter if your partner believes that the subject of the conflict is right or wrong, because all these adjectives are relative.  Every person sees life from a different point of view and we need to understand that.  

In order to create a win-win situation, you must have a paradigm shift in which you do not think of one person winning and one person losing, but a complete win for both sides.  This paradigm shift will show the other party that you are happy with your partner to the conflict getting what he or she wants.  The old way was to show that you are upset and not happy with the outcome, and the other party will think that they have won.  Actually what really happened is that you started convincing yourself that you were not happy with the agreement and started demanding more and more and making the conflict bigger rather than resolving it. 

When you give in on a point in the conflict, or you let go of certain requests that you had, do not do it with the expectation that the other party will do the same. If you do it with that expectation, the other party might feel that you are putting pressure on him or her. You have to let go without any expectation. 

This does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity.  If you feel that by letting the other party get what they want, you will be completely wiped out, then and only then, do not give in because in such a situation you need too much energy to continue to live with yourself. However, this situation is usually rare, and a compromise will help you, and will create a real win-win situation for both of you.  When you let the other party have the feeling that they are winning, they will be ready to go more than halfway toward you because they will want to keep their position of winning.

Gandhi once said that you cannot aspire for good and justice in one part of your life and then have a different aspiration in another part of your life.  You cannot aspire to win in one situation and make the other party lose, and not have other losses in your life.

"True compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change, even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems."

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

 

 

Non-Functional Relationships Between Couples or Partners

When a relationship is based on one entity or one person that is stronger and one that is weaker. 

One may be more controlling and the other less controlling.  

One has a lot of knowledge in the business and one does not. 

This may be real or simply the perception of one of the partners.

This kind of relationship will become non-functional because when the two parties get together one party will engulf the other. Instead of building a better relationship, there will be a feeling of suffocation and it will be difficult for one of the parties to express themselves. The two parties together will not create a bigger circle of cooperation and love, but one circle that will be encompassing both but overwhelming to one of them.

 

 Functional Relationship Between Couples or Partners

Functional relationship can exist when the two individuals are completely separate entities. Each one can stand on their own merits, and when they get together, they create a stronger partnership, either by providing each other with more strength and knowledge in a business setting, or love and cooperation in a personal relationship. The two entities should keep their own individuality. When they come together, they will create a bigger entity that is stronger and better than the parts. Coming together will not detract from the individuality of each partner. Ideally they will be able to operate equally well as individuals and as partners, but drawing strength from each other when they are together.

 

 

The Monetary Issue in Relationships
Sometimes we bring to new relationships attitudes about money that we forged long ago.

 This workshop will help you cut through the baggage and understand the real monetary issues in a relationship. We'll teach you how to identify problems and deal with them in a productive way. 

You will learn: 

  • To listen to your partner 
  • To express your feelings 
  • To communicate 
  • To create a common goal and affirmation
 Money & Relationships

Sometimes we bring our attitude toward money into our relationship from our relationship from our past. 

We have to let go of what we did with our money in the past.
We have to work on the present situation of money and the future.

We often carry a problem from the past that dictates our behavior in the present.  For example, if we caused a loss of money by breaking expensive things, or losing some money our childhood, we might be afraid to deal with money now because we are afraid that we will lose the money that we are dealing with now.

Not dealing with the problem of our attitude towards money or lack of it is dealing with it in a bad way. It is very important to be able to differentiate and see if your attitude toward money or profit is based on facts or based on some feelings that you carry from the past.

Most of the time our reaction toward disagreement on how to spend money or the way we deal with not having enough money is not because of this particular situation, but is based on some baggage that we carry from the past that manifests at that particular moment.

We use the monetary problems as an excuse for the reason that our relationships do not work. We have to decide what is more important for us: the baggage that we carry (our excuses that we hold onto), or our relationship. 

We want to be in control of how much we get, and for sure how much we pay others, or how much we are suppose to spend.  Remember that control is also the fear of being controlled by somebody else.

A lot of time you might complain about a problem so much that you start identifying with the problem and you become the problem itself. 
It is important to develop a positive attitude toward money because the negative attitude just keeps us stuck in one place.  We have to develop a positive attitude with integrity towards money. 

Sometimes the negative attitude comes from one of the partners who is critical and very judgmental of the other partner.   Sometimes a negative attitude comes with a lot of aggression, or sometimes passive-aggression. Active aggression is expressed by constantly criticizing the partner and showing oneís own negativity. 

Sometimes we have a partner in a relationship who constantly behaves as a victim and tries to present as a very positive personality.   Being positive and judging the other partner negatively is mirroring oneís own negativity with a lot of sugar coating.

A positive attitude toward money can be negative if it comes with judgment, or not accepting any other way.

We learn to accept nature the way it is when there is a forest fire.  We accept it because we know that there is a reason for it. Maybe the vegetation is too thick, or maybe there is a need for fertilization, so we let the fire be.  On the other hand, when one partner asks for a certain amount of money or wants to treat money in a certain way, we do not accept it and we want to change their attitude. We have to control the use of money.  Try to go with the flow. Accepting is not just not blaming your partner for everything that is wrong; however, going the other way and blaming yourself can cause the victim mentality that will create passive-aggressive behavior. 

It is true that some times we are convinced that we are 100 % right
in the way we want to deal with the money or with certain decisions involving money; however, we have to ask ourselves what will we get out of our  insisting on being right. Let us always ask ourselves: We are right and what did we get out of it?  Ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?

Maybe there is a payoff when we feel bad.

So let us choose what we have.
In other words, if you have a problem with money or with the way our spouse treats us with respect to money, and you know that there is a solution for the situation, there is no reason to worry about it. If you have a problem with money and you know that there is no solution, why worry about it.  It wonít get you anywhere.

Voltaire said that 90% of his life he spent worrying about problems and disasters that never materialized.

You are not going to change your partner.   A partner who is a spender will continue to be spender, so you need to make a plan how to work it together.

 

Superimposing:

 This technique will help you deal with individuals with whom you are in conflict or negotiating with.  This technique is not meant to minimize the validity of your feelings about the situation.  You should accept your feelings and work on detachment from them while you are negotiating or dealing with the other person in the conflict or negotiation.  You begin with your expression of your feelings and then you go through the superimposing technique, which will be mentioned later.   Your expression should be subdued and without attacking words.  You can mention how you feel, but do not make any of your feelings too extreme.   Doing so will make the other person defensive and will make him/her counter-attack you.  This technique will help you be completely free to rise to a better negotiating level by not staying in the emotion involved with the situation.   

 For example, one way to deal with a person with whom you have a conflict and wish to resolve an issue is to superimpose an image of that person in a time when you really liked that individual.  If you have a monetary argument with a spouse or a partner, remember a very good time when you agreed upon a monetary problem, or just when you enjoyed each other.  Be in that moment, feel it completely (bring back the background, the music, the place, the setting, and be completely in it) and superimpose it on that person in the conflict.  As long as you are able to superimpose that good image on the person, whatever he or she says will have less impact on you, and you will be able to accept their feelings and their accusations, even if you do not agree with them.  Remember that acceptance of their feelings and their accusations is the first step for them to heal, and for you to be able to deal with the situation.  (Acceptance does not mean that the person in the conflict is right.  It just makes it easier for you to deal and negotiate in the situation.)

In case you cannot get to the point of loving that person again, but you just want to have a tool to deal with this individual, superimpose an image of a stranger.  You must agree that you usually donít have any feelings toward a stranger Ė an individual who does not know how to push your buttons.  If you are able to superimpose the stranger on the person with whom you are in conflict, you will be able to deal with him or her in a much easier way.

 
 

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