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The goal of this program is to resolve conflicts in any situation,
thereby creating a safe environment in which everyone will
succeed. This is an interactive program which provides
transformational tools to resolve existing or potential conflicts. |
Objectives for You:
- Achieve satisfactory solutions to your conflicts.
- Create a win-win situation and solve old problems.
- Learn and utilize new tools during negotiation.
- Learn the art of listening without judgment.
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Value
for You:
- Higher production levels.
- Increased profitability.
- Reduced employee turnover. |
How to Resolve Conflict:
1. The problem is stated only with facts. Interpretation and criticism are
eliminated and participants receive coaching to choose non-judgmental words.
2. Feelings are expressed safely without suppression. As they are
acknowledged, a basis is created for understanding wants and requests.
3. These feelings are described, showing an understanding of what is felt by
the other side.
4. The conflict is described from a detached point of view.
5. Requests are stated. This step of the process can be expressed only after
wants have been clearly stated.
6. An acceptance of the requests is achieved by completing the guided process,
producing agreement.
Dr. Gordon reminds us:
"Employees come to work with the intention of doing a good job,
enjoying whatever they do or produce. Unfortunately conflicts amongst
themselves, problems with the management or supervisors, create vicious
cycles of negativity and reduced production. By creating a new venue for
conflict resolution we solve these problems. A positive attitude is brought
back into the workplace. Every person reaches his or her highest potential.
The goal of this workshop is to resolve conflicts in the workplace
between partners and employees, or between management and employees. This is an
interactive workshop which will leave you with transformational
tools to resolve existing or potential conflicts."
- Achieve mutual and satisfactory solutions to your conflicts
- Resolve ongoing conflicts using mutual consideration
- Solve old problems in order to reach agreements
- Learn and utilize new tools during negotiation
- Learn the art of listening without judgment
Dear Robby,
On behalf of the entire UCOC Congregation I would like to say thank you for
the program you gave us on conflict resolution. I think everyone in our
Congregation needs the useful tools that you taught us to use. The work you are
doing is very important and you are a very engaging speaker. I hope you will
come to our Congregation again to teach us more about conflict resolution.
Randi Dunvan
UCOC Program Chair
These may apply to your Corporation or Organization
Do you observe conflict in your corporation?
Do you agree that employees who are in conflict are less happy and less
satisfied at the workplace?
Do you agree that employees who are happier will be more productive?
Do you agree that during negotiation, a lot of times the sales team are
confronting conflicts?
If
they say yes, say I will create a workshop that will
create a better working environment. No conflict and
as a result no stress.
Dr. Gordon, the founder of The Conflict Resolution
Institute has designed a system and technique that teaches
how to turn conflict into agreement. He also teaches how
to create a venue in which employees can solve their
existing conflicts, and teaches how to prevent conflicts.
The participants learn that they are not the conflict; the
conflict happened to them or they are legally involved in
with it. They have to detach themselves from the conflict.
Just because they are having a conflict doesn't mean that
they are the conflict. It shouldn't consume them.
Participants who fear that they won't be able to create a
resolution will create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and
they will not create a resolution. In Chinese the
symbol for crisis and opportunity is the same. More
people put more energy into worrying about the conflict
that they cannot solve than putting the energy into
solving the problem.
In
this workshop the participants learn not to exert any
negative energy and will free their energy to try to build
something even better.
Once they understand this concept and their partner in the
conflict, they will give empathy to their partner. This
process creates healing and conflict resolution. Conflict
resolution should create a win-win situation. The
participants do not always have to feel that they are
actually winning. Letting the other party win will create
in the long run a win-win situation for both of them.
When you give in on a point in the conflict or you let go
of certain requests that you had, do not do it with the
expectation that the other party will do the same. If you
do it with that expectation, the other party might feel
that you are putting pressure on him or her. You have to
let go without any expectation.
Letting go and expecting the other party to do the same is
like giving a compliment and expecting the other party to
do likewise. When I give a compliment and immediately get
one in return I feel that the other compliment might have
come out of obligation and it is not a sincere one. I also
feel that it invalidated my compliment. This is not always
true, but a lot of times it is true.
This does mean that you have to compromise your integrity.
If you feel that by letting the other party receive what
they want, then you will feel completely wiped out. Then
and only then do not give in because in such a situation
you need too much energy to live with yourself. However,
this situation is usually rare, and a compromise will help
you and will create a real win-win situation for both of
you. Richard Carlson in his book said “do not
sweat the small stuff.” Later on he continues and says
actually “everything is small stuff.” When you let the
other party have the feeling that they are winning, they
will be ready to go more than half way towards you because
they will want to keep their position of winning.
Guidelines to participants
in the "Conflict Resolution" process:.
A) Understanding, having
empathy, is a very important step.
When we talk about understanding, first we have to
understand ourselves why are we feeling in a certain way
towards the situation. Once we understand ourselves we can
get to the next step of understanding our partner. It is
important to know that understanding does not always mean
agreeing; it means having empathy. We can acknowledge the
feeling of our partner and completely disagree.
Once we understand our partner there is no should or
could. We cannot have a conflict resolution during which
you blame your partner for the conflict for things that
they could or should have done, because it will always put
our partner on the defensive.
B) Each participant should
read aloud to his partner in the conflict (I want to start
with calling the other person the partner) what he wrote
one answer at a time and I want the partner to repeat the
words that he or she heard.
1. It is very important to repeat the words; it was
scientifically proved that when one person repeats the
words, the possibility of his or her remembering the other
side’s point of view is four times greater. Research
shows that partners to conflict who repeated their
partner’s words came to a resolution twice as fast as
partners who did not repeat the words.
2. When you know that you have to repeat, you concentrate
on what your partner said and listen instead of thinking
of what you are going to say.
3. By repeating, you start showing your understanding to
the other side, diminish their anger, and you release
their tension.
C) In this process of
conflict resolution I stress that you will work out of
your want. If for one minute you think that it is
different, I want you to look at the bigger picture. You
have a choice not to go through this process at all. It is
true that there will be consequences to your choice--you
might have to go to court and incur more expenses, or to
suffer more from being in the conflict; however it will be
your choice. Now that you know that it is your choice, I
want you to empower yourself to bring the best out of you
to make this process work.
D) If anyone starts to feel
angry or upset by what his partner said, you have to
remember that it is not what your partner said that made
you upset. It is your own reaction to what they said
that made you feel a specific way. You are the only one
responsible for your feelings.
Sample exercise given
during the "Conflict Resolution" process:
BREAKTHROUGH
IN CONFLICT
1. What will it take
for your partner in the conflict to do so you can solve
the conflict?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
2. What is the maximum
concession that you are ready to make in order to solve
the conflict?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Guideline
for communication under duress in
the heights of the conflict:
2) Any
communication should be based on using only the
"I" or first person singular; I feel I think,
etc. wait for a time that both parties are not vulnerable
to use "you" and "we". You can
describe your feeling like I feel sad. I understand you.
Please
describe the I statements
3) Take out
all the adjective from 1 and rewrite your wishes negative
adjectives bring more negativity and positive might be
construed as manipulation.
SAMPLE
WORKSHEET
LISTEN
AND ASK QUESTIONS
You Have
Two Ears and One Mouth--Use Them Proportionately
-
Listen
without interpretation.
-
Listen
without judgment.
-
Listen
without expectations.
-
Listen
without being upset.
-
Listen
without knowing the answer.
1.Listen to your partner and describe the conflict from his or her point of
view. (Read aloud your partner’s point of view.)
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
2.Ask your partner to acknowledge if you understood his or her point of
view, and if not, ask your partner to tell you again the important points and
write them down. ___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
3.Repeat this process until your partner feels that you understand
his or her
point of view.
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Divorce
Without Financial Destruction
Divorce
and Post-Divorce Planning Without Financial Stress
Dr. Robby Gordon, a financial
planner, combines his in-depth knowledge of money issues with
proven stress management techniques which teach how to deal with
financial anxieties during divorce. Merging modern
psychology from the East and West, Dr. Gordon uses his
analytical and psychological skills to help divorcing couples:
- Create a
workable division of property during divorce.
- Deal with
monetary stress issues during divorce.
- Acquire
practical techniques to deal with monetary stress.
- Create a
future with a new attitude toward money and profits.
- Overcome
challenges created by lack of money or assets.
- Learn how
to break self-defeating barriers using specific creative
tools to deal with financial stress.
Dr. Gordon assists his
clients in taking control of their present and future
finances emphasizing education and planning during the
process. He helps create a fair division of property
considering the consequences of capital gains, cost of sale
of houses and businesses, penalties of early withdrawal of
pensions, as well as division of pensions.
Creating a win-win situation
involves several steps, including accepting the situation
and detachment from the situation. Even if the result
of acceptance does not match your ideal circumstances,
acceptance and detachment will prevent you from fighting and
exerting negative energy, and will free you to try to build
a more peaceful dissolution.
Dr. Gordon teaches practical
techniques for dealing with stress pre-, during, and
post-divorce. He helps his clients to put money in the
right perspective, not to use it as a control issue.
It takes much more
energy to get divorced than to work on relationship;
however, sometimes we know that there is no choice. At that
point we need to try to put our energy into a
productive way of resolving the situation and not to try to
work out of fear creating a lot of negative energy using our
money as a control issue.
Dr.Gordon works on
visualization and gives specific creative tools to learn how
to deal with financial stress. He works on the
attitude toward money and helps create in your mind complete
freedom from the stress associated with lack of money
Dr.Gordon teaches the tools
to reduce stress, and how to achieve financial goals with
breakthrough in mind. He teaches creative thinking
that will get the individuals where they want to go.
He will introduce a new
language that will help the two parties to distinguish
between reality and their thoughts, which will help them to
create what they want.
Once the parties learn how
not to be stressed about their monetary situation, they can
be open to create something completely new--a new attitude
that will bring inner peace.
The parties feel empowered
and focused, which brings the best out in each person. It
helps them to focus and have clarity about goals and
missions.
The Monetary Control Issue
During Divorce
This workshop is designed for psychologists, divorce
lawyers, financial planners, clergy, or anyone who deals
with divorce issues. It's harder to get divorced than it is
to work on a relationship. But sometimes there's no choice.
At that point we need to try to put our energy into
productive channels to resolve the situation.
The opposite of love is fear,
and that's what shows up first in a divorce.
The goal of this workshop is
to create a fair and creative division of property in order
to crate two independent households. Attendees will learn
about capital gain consequences, the cost of sale of a house
or business, and the penalties for early withdraw from a
pension plan. Clients will learn to take control of their
present and future financial planning during a period of
emotional stress.
Create
a Win-Win Situation
Creating a win-win situation
involves several steps, including accepting the situation
and detachment from the situation.
Even if the result of acceptance does not match your
ideal circumstances, acceptance and detachment will prevent
you from fighting and exerting negative energy, and will
free you to try to build a more peaceful solution.
By
having a certain expectation of
how a partner is, or will be, you get into a self-fulfilling
prophecy not allowing your partner to manifest in any other
way. Taking
into consideration the expectation that you have of the
person you are in conflict with, together with judgments
that you have, you create only one way for the other person
to act. It doesn’t matter if your partner
believes that the subject of the conflict is right or wrong,
because all these adjectives are relative. Every
person sees life from a different point of view and we need
to understand that.
In
order to create a win-win situation, you must have a
paradigm shift in which you do not think of one person
winning and one person losing, but a complete win for both
sides. This paradigm shift will show the other party that you are
happy with your partner to the conflict getting what he or
she wants. The
old way was to show that you are upset and not happy with
the outcome, and the other party will think that they have
won. Actually
what really happened is that you started convincing yourself
that you were not happy with the agreement and started
demanding more and more and making the conflict bigger
rather than resolving it.
When
you give in on a point in the conflict, or you let go of
certain requests that you had, do not do it with the
expectation that the other party will do the same. If you do it with that expectation, the other party might feel that
you are putting pressure on him or her. You have to let go
without any expectation.
This
does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity.
If you feel that by letting the other party get what
they want, you will be completely wiped out, then and only
then, do not give in because in such a situation you need
too much energy to continue to live with yourself. However,
this situation is usually rare, and a compromise will help
you, and will create a real win-win situation for both of
you. When you
let the other party have the feeling that they are winning,
they will be ready to go more than halfway toward you
because they will want to keep their position of winning.
Gandhi
once said that you cannot aspire for good and justice in one
part of your life and then have a different aspiration in
another part of your life.
You cannot aspire to win in one situation and make
the other party lose, and not have other losses in your life.
"True
compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm
commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly
compassionate attitude toward others does not change, even
if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you
develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to
help them actively overcome their problems."
His
Holiness the Dalai Lama
Non-Functional
Relationships Between Couples or Partners
When
a relationship is based on one entity or one person that is
stronger and one that is weaker.
One
may be more controlling and the other less controlling.
One
has a lot of knowledge in the business and one does
not.
This
may be real or simply the perception of one of the partners.
This kind
of relationship will become non-functional because when the
two parties get together one party will engulf the other.
Instead of building a better relationship, there will be a
feeling of suffocation and it will be difficult for one of
the parties to express themselves. The two parties together
will not create a bigger circle of cooperation and love, but
one circle that will be encompassing both but overwhelming
to one of them.
Functional Relationship Between Couples or Partners
Functional
relationship can exist when the two individuals are
completely separate entities. Each one can stand on their
own merits, and when they get together, they create a
stronger partnership, either by providing each other with
more strength and knowledge in a business setting, or love
and cooperation in a personal relationship. The two entities
should keep their own individuality. When they come
together, they will create a bigger entity that is stronger
and better than the parts. Coming together will not detract
from the individuality of each partner. Ideally they will be
able to operate equally well as individuals and as partners,
but drawing strength from each other when they are together.
The Monetary Issue in
Relationships
Sometimes we bring to new
relationships attitudes about money that we forged long ago.
This
workshop will help you cut through the baggage and
understand the real monetary issues in a relationship. We'll
teach you how to identify problems and deal with them in a
productive way.
You will
learn:
- To listen
to your partner
- To express
your feelings
- To
communicate
- To create
a common goal and affirmation
Money
& Relationships
Sometimes we
bring our attitude toward money into our relationship from
our relationship from our past.
We have
to let go of what we did with our money in the past.
We have to work on the present
situation of money and the future.
We often
carry a problem from the past that dictates our behavior in
the present. For example, if we caused a loss of money
by breaking expensive things, or losing some money our
childhood, we might be afraid to deal with money now because
we are afraid that we will lose the money that we are
dealing with now.
Not dealing
with the problem of our attitude towards money or lack of it
is dealing with it in a bad way. It is very important to be
able to differentiate and see if your attitude toward money
or profit is based on facts or based on some feelings that
you carry from the past.
Most of the
time our reaction toward disagreement on how to spend money
or the way we deal with not having enough money is not
because of this particular situation, but is based on some
baggage that we carry from the past that manifests at that
particular moment.
We use the
monetary problems as an excuse for the reason that our
relationships do not work. We have to decide what is more
important for us: the baggage that we carry (our excuses
that we hold onto), or our relationship.
We want to be
in control of how much we get, and for sure how much we pay
others, or how much we are suppose to spend. Remember
that control is also the fear of being controlled by
somebody else.
A lot
of time you might complain about a problem so much that you
start identifying with the problem and you become the
problem itself.
It is important to develop a positive
attitude toward money because the negative attitude just
keeps us stuck in one place. We have to develop a
positive attitude with integrity towards money.
Sometimes the
negative attitude comes from one of the partners who is
critical and very judgmental of the other partner.
Sometimes a negative attitude comes with a lot of
aggression, or sometimes passive-aggression. Active
aggression is expressed by constantly criticizing the
partner and showing one’s own negativity.
Sometimes we
have a partner in a relationship who constantly behaves as a
victim and tries to present as a very positive personality.
Being positive and judging the other partner negatively is
mirroring one’s own negativity with a lot of sugar
coating.
A positive
attitude toward money can be negative if it comes with
judgment, or not accepting any other way.
We learn to
accept nature the way it is when there is a forest fire.
We accept it because we know that there is a reason for it.
Maybe the vegetation is too thick, or maybe there is a need
for fertilization, so we let the fire be. On the other
hand, when one partner asks for a certain amount of money or
wants to treat money in a certain way, we do not accept it
and we want to change their attitude. We have to control the
use of money. Try to go with the flow. Accepting is
not just not blaming your partner for everything that is
wrong; however, going the other way and blaming yourself can
cause the victim mentality that will create
passive-aggressive behavior.
It is
true that some times we are convinced that we are 100 %
right
in the way we want to deal with the
money or with certain decisions involving money; however, we
have to ask ourselves what will we get out of our
insisting on being right. Let us always ask ourselves: We
are right and what did we get out of it? Ask yourself,
do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?
Maybe there
is a payoff when we feel bad.
So let
us choose what we have.
In other words, if you have a problem
with money or with the way our spouse treats us with respect
to money, and you know that there is a solution for the
situation, there is no reason to worry about it. If you have
a problem with money and you know that there is no solution,
why worry about it. It won’t get you anywhere.
Voltaire said
that 90% of his life he spent worrying about problems and
disasters that never materialized.
You are not
going to change your partner. A partner who is a
spender will continue to be spender, so you need to make a
plan how to work it together.
Superimposing:
This technique
will help you deal with individuals with whom you are in
conflict or negotiating with.
This technique is not meant to minimize the validity
of your feelings about the situation.
You should accept your feelings and work on
detachment from them while you are negotiating or dealing
with the other person in the conflict or negotiation.
You begin with your expression of your feelings and
then you go through the superimposing technique, which will
be mentioned later.
Your expression should be subdued and without
attacking words. You
can mention how you feel, but do not make any of your
feelings too extreme.
Doing so will make the other person defensive and
will make him/her counter-attack you.
This technique will help you be completely free to
rise to a better negotiating level by not staying in the
emotion involved with the situation.
For
example, one way to deal with a person with whom you have a
conflict and wish to resolve an issue is to superimpose an
image of that person in a time when you really liked that
individual. If
you have a monetary argument with a spouse or a partner,
remember a very good time when you agreed upon a monetary
problem, or just when you enjoyed each other.
Be in that moment, feel it completely (bring back the
background, the music, the place, the setting, and be
completely in it) and superimpose it on that person in the
conflict. As
long as you are able to superimpose that good image on the
person, whatever he or she says will have less impact on
you, and you will be able to accept their feelings and their
accusations, even if you do not agree with them.
Remember that acceptance of their feelings and their
accusations is the first step for them to heal, and for you
to be able to deal with the situation.
(Acceptance does not mean that the person in the
conflict is right. It
just makes it easier for you to deal and negotiate in the
situation.)
In
case you cannot get to the point of loving that person
again, but you just want to have a tool to deal with this
individual, superimpose an image of a stranger. You must agree that you usually don’t have any feelings
toward a stranger – an individual who does not know how to
push your buttons. If
you are able to superimpose the stranger on the person with
whom you are in conflict, you will be able to deal with him
or her in a much easier way.
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